Fooling The Boss

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who’s blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her

" . . . And where do you think you’re going?"

She said, "I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark."

The Guardian Angel

Aman was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, "If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

The man asked: "Who are you?" I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

The Crafty Old Man

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spent $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into a McDonald’s and asks the countergirl the very same question.

The girl replies, "I’d guess about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I’m 50."

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I’d say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I’m 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. And this may sound very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around for a very long time.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won’t get mad?" "I promise I won’t" she says.

The old man then sheepishly said: "I was behind you in line at McDonald’s."