LIGHTERSIDE

All Things are Possible — Only Believe

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When Beatrice returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter."

Always pay attention

First-year students at Texas A&M’s Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it then stuck a finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Love Juice

Little Johnny asks his dad for a television for his room.

His dad asks him "what is the matter with the one in the drawing room".

Johnny says that he hardly gets to watch kids programs because his older siblings control the viewing.

Reluctantly, his dad agrees to get his son the telly.

The next day whilst his dad was reading the papers, little Johnny comes downstairs and asks his dad.

"What is love juice dad"?

His poor dad gave him a very terrified look and then started telling Johnny all about sex.

Johnny just sat there in amazement, with mouth wide open and trying to take in all his father was saying.

His dad then asks him what he was watching on his new telly, Johnny said he was watching "Wimbledon" (Deuce / Love /Advantage).

Misery likes company

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make ‘em all ugly again."